Random Notes With The Cullens!
by MoonsilverTwilight
Summary: Ok, this is basically just a random note-passing story. I got bored one day, so I decided to write it. It's quite stupid, so don't be surprised if it doesn't make any sense at all whatsoever. R&R! XD
1. He's MY stalker!

**CHAPTER ONE **

**Author's Note: Wrote this one night because my other story, At Heaven's Gate, got too depressing, and like, yeah. If I ever write another really depressing story, I'll probably write a few chapters on this... Anyways, on to the randomness!!! This is meant to be random, sorry if it doesn't make ANY sense at all, if it's funny, then, yay, I wrote a funny story!!! Yay!!! Also, this story is like, plot-less; imagine those TV shows where the episodes have nothing to do with each other. Wow, long author's note! Ooh, and all the characters beside Edward are going to be a bit OOC **

_

* * *

_

_?!Biology!? _

Bella: I'm getting bored to death... save me Eddie!!!

Edward: And what have I said about that name...? 

Bella: Um...

Bella: You didn't say anything

Edward: Oh 

Bella: CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!!!

Edward: -silence- 

_Alice__: Hey guys! _

Bella: Kiwis are sparkly

Edward: This is why I don't let you have caffeine 

_Alice__: Oh yeah?! Watermelons are round! _

Bella: -giggles- did you know that oranges are –giggles- ORANGE?!

Edward: Bella, love, the teacher's getting suspicious 

Bella: Mister Pumpkin-Head is big!

Edward: Oh... kay...? 

_Alice__: The teacher's falling asleep _

**Mike: Hey, what are you guys doing? **

Bella: Ahh!!! It's the vile Mike Newton! –runs away-

**Mike: You're still there **

_Alice__: And Newton states the obvious! Gasp... we said something intelligent! Congratz, Bella! _

Bella: Everybody do the MACARENA!!!

Edward: If you start always acting like this in the morning... maybe I shouldn't come over every night... but you're so cute when you sleep... 

Bella: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU MUST!!!

Edward: At least stop drinking all that coffee... I think you may need therapy soon, Bella 

**Mike: AHH!!!! CULLEN'S A STALKER!!! **

Bella: He's my stalker! You cannot have my stalker! GRR...

**Mike: Okay... like, ew... not EVEN **

Bella: GABAFALAGOOGERLEEFOOBERS!!!

_Alice__: Quit writing in capitals, Bella, you're taking up all the space on the page! You are wasting paper... cutting down trees! You are contributing to global warming! Ahh! _

Edward: Bella can write however she wants! 

**Mike: Bella can defend herself, shut up Cullen **

Bella: Number one, I don't want to, Eddie trying to defend me against the wrath of the Alice is so cute... number two... uh...

_Alice__: We'll get back to you. Now, do you guys want to go shopping after school? _

**Mike: Ooh, ooh! I do! I do! Pick me! Pick me! –waves hand around in midair— **

_Alice__: Shut up Newton I wasn't asking you, and in case you think of asking, I'm going out with Jazzy _

**Mike: Jazzy? Ew... you have pet names for each other too?! **

_Alice__: Yep! I'm Bob! _

Bella: Eddie, they keep stealing the paper! That makes me sad!

Edward: Bella... 

Bella: Edward...

_Alice__: Jazzy... _

**Mike: uh... **

Bella: GASP! I know! Let's go rubber duck-ing!

Edward: Rubber duck-ing? 

Bella: Doi, Eddie

_Alice__: I don't get it _

**Mike: Join the club **

Bella: You guys have a club?!

Edward: That is it, Bella, I am hereby forbidding you to buy, drink, look at, stare at, utter the word, and breathe in coffee! 

Bella: I want a muffin

Edward: I'll get you one at lunch 

Bella: But I want a muffin NOW!

_Alice__: Ooh! I want a muffin, too! _

Edward: You don't even eat muffins, Alice! 

**Mike: Oh my god!!! How can you survive without the almighty MUFFIN?! **

-silence-

Bella: uh...

**Mike: What? I like muffins **

_Alice__: That I can tell _

Edward: Are we all done and finished now? Again, I repeat, the teacher is getting suspicious 

Bella: Fine, be a spoil potato, Eddie!

Edward: Don't you mean a spoilsport? 

Bella: Potato... that's funny word!

_Alice__: Oh. My. God. You're right! Potato_ is_ a funny word! _

Bella: Doi

* * *

"Mr. Cullen, may I ask what that is?" the teacher asked.

Luckily, in super duper vampire speed, Edward had written down the entire contents of the teacher's lecture. I was SHOCKED. I mean, I knew Edward could write fast, but the ability to write down such a boring speech... I am still wordless.

"These?" Edward asked, gesturing to the piece of paper.

Mike, being the weasel he is, snuck up behind me, and very subtly asked, "Do you want to go out with me Friday night?"

"No I do no! Ugh! Like, French fries are crispy! Gah!"


	2. So now it's DUR!

**CHAPTER TWO **

_?!Lunch!? _

Bella: Eddie...

Edward: Belly... 

Bella: Are you calling me fat?! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! MY ONE TRUE LOVE IS CALLING ME FAT!!!!

Edward: of course not, Bella. 

Bella: Oh... well, gingerbread house

Edward: Why are we still passing notes? 

Bella: 'Cuz its funny-bunny-fun-bun!

_Alice__: Is anyone willing to go shopping with me after school today— _

**Mike: I am! I am! Pick me! Pweez! I'll do anything!!! Ooh, SHINY car!!! –giggles as he sees Rosalie's convertible- **

_Alice__: ...Besides Mike? _

Edward: I don't think anyone is up for another one of your shopping trips, Alice 

_Alice__: Pweez? Bella? _

Bella: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

_Emmett: Hello everyone! _

Bella: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

_Emmett: Fine. BE that way _

_Alice__: But I saw this really cute pair of pineapple!!! _

-silence-

Edward: Why, Alice, might I ask, do you want to buy a pineapple? 

Bella: GO PIGS!!!

**Mike: I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING BELLA SAYS THEREFORE GO PIGS!!! **

Bella: Ahh! It's the vile Mike Newton... again. AHHHHH!!!!!!!

_**Jacob: Hi Bella **_

Bella: Hi Jacob

Edward: Hello pup 

_Emmett: Dog _

_Alice__: Mutt _

**Jasper: It's a wiener!!! **

-silence-

**Mike: I feel like I'm missing something **

Bella: Doi!

Edward: Why are we all crowded around one table passing notes? And why is the mongrel here? 

Bella: I like jelly

**Mike: I like Bella **

_Emmett: I like— _

Edward: My brain is now scarred for life, Emmett, thank you very much 

Bella: Oh yeah?! Well, cheese!

_**Jacob: uh... **_

_Alice__: Let's all eat bananas! _

Edward: Alice, you don't eat bananas 

**Mike: HOW CAN YOU SURVIVE WITHOUT THE ALMIGHTY B— **

Bella: Bob!

_Alice__: Yes? _

Bella: I want a cow!

Edward: Must we all be so... oh, I don't know? Stupid?! 

Bella: Yeppy-yuppers!

**Mike: Doi **

Bella: Ahh!!! The vile Mike Newton has stolen my word!!! GOSP!!! Like, totally

Edward: Bella? 

Bella: Yuppies, Eddiekinz?

Edward: Please... no... 

Bella: I don't get it

_Alice__: He wants to ask you what 'gosp' is... doi _

Bella: Well, since the vile Mike Newton—

**Mike: Hey! Why is everyone against me?! –runs off sobbing to some random place-**

Bella: Well, as I was saying—hey I said something intelligent! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyways... since the vile Mike Newton stolified my word, I now have gosp

Edward: stolified? Does that qualify as a word? 

_Alice__: Doi no. Anyways. Virtual high-fives! _

**Mike: You did not high five **

Bella: Quit stealing the paper, vile Mike Newton, and that's why it's virtual. Dur

Edward: Need I ask? 

Bella: Well, he stole doi, so now its dur

**Mike: Dur **

Bella: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

_Alice__: Go monkeys! _

Bella: Oh yeah? Well, butt!

Edward: -exasperated- 

Bella: Ooh! Eddie said a BIG word!!! Teach me some big words, Eddie, so I can be smarticlicious with you!

_Jacob: Why am I still here? _

Bella: Ooh! Ooh! Uh...

_Alice__: SHINY!!! _

Bella: What? Where?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

**Mike: I— **

Bella: Shut up, vile Mike Newton

**Mike: Doesn't that get to be handful when you say it every time? **

Bella: Yep!

_Alice__: That's why she's writing it! Daw _

Bella: Daw? That's brilliant Alice! Pure genius

_Alice__: Thank you _

Bella: INFLATABLE TURTLES!!!

Jasper: Everyone's gone, you know 

Edward: I'd think YOU know better than to join in their childish antics, Jasper 

Jasper: Yes, but they won't answer when I talk out loud 

Bella: 'Cuz we're genius like that

_Alice__: Daw _

**Mike: Do you guys have to keep agreeing with each other? **

Bella: Go away, vile Mike Newton

Edward: We have to go now, you know 

Bella: Shut up and kiss me, Edward

_**Jacob: That I can skip **_

Bella: I SAID SHUT UP AND KISS ME EDDIE!!!

_Alice__: o.O _

-cricket, cricket-

Bella: Fine, be like that, Eddie

Edward: I'm serious, Bella, we're going to be late 

Bella: Kiss me and I'll go

_Emmett: Hurry up, Rose is getting pissed... she wants to make out in the janitor's closet... again _

Edward: THAT I could've done without 

_Alice__: In 3... 2... 1... _

Edward: What? Oh... 

-they kiss... duh-

Edward: NOW, can we go? 

**Mike: NOOOOOO!!!! MY POOR CLEAN INNOCENT MIND... GAHHHHHHH!!!! **

_Emmett: I don't get it _

_Alice__: Daw, me neither... sparkly... 'cuz I'm special like that! _

Bella: Okie-dokey. Eddie you are so mean sometimes –sobs-

* * *

I stood up, and sadly threw away our most recent note.

"Bye-bye Mister Hat!" I said to it.

Edward looked extremely relieved that I had thrown it away, why I couldn't understand, but also a bit wary. He looked at me strangely, and took my hand. We hurried off to English, as everyone else left to go to their own classes. Jacob was looking around like he didn't know what he was supposed to be doing. I followed Edward happily skipping down the halls, attracting weird glances from people.

"Bella?" Eddie asked me.

"Yup?" I answered cheerfully.

"How long does it take for the side effects of coffee to wear off?" He was completely serious.

"Hmm..."


	3. ATTACK OF THE MARTIAN BROOMS!

**ATTACK OF THE MARTIAN BROOMS!!!**

_?!Somewhere Random!? _

Bella: Trees!

Edward: Let's not start this again, love 

_Alice__: Hi! _

Bella: Did you know that chickens have feet?! Yeah, it's true!

_Alice__: For real?! Omigod! _

Bella: Like shoelace fight! –Grabs shoelace and starts waving it around then falls-

**Mike: -joins in and starts waving entire shoe around in the air because he has Velcro- **

-awkward silence-

Bella: -stops waving around shoelace due to traumatized-ness. - Like, omigod!!! Gosp!!! You guys have created a gay baby!

Edward: What?! 

Bella: It's true... whenever there is an awkward silence, a gay baby is born

_Alice__: Ch'yeah, Eddie _

Bella: I got chain mail about it, like, ten times!

**Mike: -still waving shoe in air- **

_Emmett: Everyone, meet Bob! –shows everyone a yellow balloon- _

Edward: That's... nice? 

Bella: Hi Bob!

_Alice: Ah, like, hem! _

_Emmett: -starts horribly dancing to some random rap song in order to have an excuse to ignore Alice, and gets slapped- _

Bella: Cheese-tree!

_Alice__: I foresee... _

Bella: MARTIAN BROOMS ARE ATTACKING THE EARTH AT A SPEED OF A BAZILLION GAFABILLION MILLION TRILLION ZILLION MILES AN HOUR!!!

**Mike: Wow **

_Alice__: IT'S THE VILE MIKE NEWTON!!! _

Bella: Gosp, Cheese-tree, I was gonna say that!

_Emmett: Chipmunks totally rule, man, you just can't beat chipmunks!!! _

Edward: I am quite scared now 

Bella: Shish kabob

_Alice__: This is why we love Bella when she's high _

Bella: Must go mourn for death of some random person who I don't know because apparently someone could be dying right now!

**Mike: MUST GO DO WHAT BELLA IS DOING!!! **

Bella: -pulls out new piece of paper because the old one has totally been graffiti-ed on-

Edward: Careful, love, you shouldn't whip out pieces of paper that fast, you could get a paper cut 

Bella: -runs off sobbing as she remembered what happens the last time she got a paper cut-

_Emmett: Dude, like, yeah _

_Alice__: Don't you just love shopping?! _

All in unison: NO!!!

**Mike: I wanna get an ice cream **

_Alice: -one of those totally creepy cartoon bubbles that suddenly appear out of like, NOWHERE and are creepy because they appear out of NOWHERE appears out of NOWHERE on top of her head which makes it kind of obvious that she's thinking something and announces to like, the entire world what she's thinking- Getting ice cream plus guy who sells ice cream in one of those ice cream trucks that play random little kid songs which are very annoying and announce that it's coming from all the way across the city equals paying for ice cream equals SHOPPING!!! Okay, vile Mike Newton! Let us go charge randomly in some random direction randomly and get an ice cream because that involves using money which means SHOPPING!!! _

_Emmett: Pickles are warty –twitches in fright and eyeballs go all wobbly- _

Edward: This family has OFFICALLY gone insane!!! 

Bella: I like swirly things!!!

-silence-

**Mike: Let's all go broil broccoli!!! **

**Jasper: I think my brain is going into overdrive **

_Emmett: Wow, being totally random and pointless is actually pretty fun; Eddie –gets slapped by Edward because he called him Eddie and only Bella is allowed to do that- _

Edward: Need I remind you, Emmett, that I have forbidden you, countless times, not to CALL ME THAT NAME?! 

**Mike: -randomly starts attacking a tree then jumps up and down due to having stubbed his baby toe- **

Bella: Ooh, gosh, vile Mike Newton's getting violet!!!

_**Jacob: You mean violent? **_

Bella: Nope, I mean violet. He's turning purple

-Martian brooms suddenly start attacking the Earth at a speed of a bazillion gafabillion million trillion zillion miles an hours as Bella predicted-

_Alice__: OMIGOD!!! _

Bella: OHYOURGOD!!!

**Mike: I don't get it **

_Emmett: Dude, you're not alone in that _

Bella: -suddenly faints due to overuse of randomness-

_Alice__: (oO) _

* * *

"I missed you Eddie!" said Bella, jumping into Edward's arms, and totally makes out with him, mentally scarring every kid within a five mile radius. 

"I love you too, Bella, but now I'm quite frightened, actually."

"Yay!" yelled Bella, running off into the sunset and then realizing there isn't one and breaks down sobbing.

"Wow," said Alice who was still standing there, not really getting what was happening even though she's psychic.

And then everyone lives insanely ever after.


	4. Hippy Hippos

**Hippy Hippos **

_?!The Zoo!? _

Bella: Ooh, Eddie, look at that big grizzly bear! I bet it could beat up Emmett!

_Emmett: -must control urge to attack grizzly bear to show his super-ness- _

_Alice__: Bella, let's go look at the kangaroos! _

Bella: Do kangaroos eat cheese?

Edward: Last time I checked, no 

Bella: Oh yeah! Well... trees are... guh... green!

_**Jacob: Did you guys see those snakes? They were like, ten feet long! **_

Bella: Mister... master... mustard

**Mike: Let's go attack the penguins with our superior intelligence!!! **

_Emmett: Dude, we have got to go see the baboons _

_Alice__: Time for a family reunion isn't it, Emmett? _

Bella: Eddie, I want ice cream

Edward: Okay, Bella, what flavor do you want? –Silently endures the pain-slash-humiliation of being called Eddie- 

_Alice__: She's going to answer pickle but I suggest you get strawberry _

Edward: -raises eyebrow- 

_Alice__: Don't ask _

Bella: Hey! Eddie! I feel all left out now! And where's my pickle ice cream?

Edward: -dashes off to get strawberry ice cream due to the fact that he's pretty sure they don't make pickle flavored ice cream- 

Bella: Jacob, eat some lettuce. It's like cheese but green with little orange polka dots!

_**Jacob: Uh... Is she alright? ARE YOU HIGH OFF HOTDOGS AGAIN BELLA?!?!?!?! **_

-awkward silence-

Edward: Here's your ice cream, Bella –hands Bella strawberry ice cream- 

Bella: Yay! Ketchup! Just what I asked for

_Alice__: -confused expression- _

**Mike: Let's go see the hippos **

Bella: Eddie! I wanted to see the bunny rabbits!!

Edward: -sigh- We'll go see the rabbits, love 

**Mike: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! **

_**Jacob: Everyone do the jelly bean dance!!! –randomly starts dancing to non existent music- **_

_Alice__: Let's all go buy giraffe hats!!! _

-that weird awkward whistling sound that you make when people think you did something so you do that so they don't think you did anything but they think you did something because you're acting like you didn't do anything, also known as unsuccessfully avoiding shopping trip with Alice for giraffe hats-

_Emmett: I'm bored _

Edward: Let's leave 

-everyone agrees-

_?!Wal-Mart!? _

Bella: Edward, why are we at Wal-Mart?

Edward: You know, I don't actually know, love 

_Alice__: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! _

_**Jacob: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! **_

_Emmett: -not getting it- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORG!!! _

Edward: Uh... 

**Mike: -randomly starts doing the chicken dance while sniffing his shoe- **

-silence yet again-

Bella: Eddie... WAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Ah, I feel so much better now

Edward: Bell- 

_Alice__: MUST. BUY. RANDOM. JUNK!!!!!!!!!! _

**Mike: MUST. FOLLOW. ALICE. SLASH. BOB. AND. BUY. RANDOM. JUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!! **

Edward: Do you think they'll be alright? 

_Alice__: Did you know that Wal-Mart does not sell walls?! Pfft! Lame-o. Why the heck did they call it Wal-Mart? _

_Emmett: Oh. My. God. I have just made an amazing discovery. LISTEN UP EVERYONE!!! _

-everyone within like, three miles turn to look at Emmett to see what he's going to say-

_Emmett: Okay. Take a deep breath Emmett. Don't rush it. Just... breathe in and out, and in, and out, and... I forgot _

**Jasper: How intelligent, Emmett **

Edward: Why are we still passing notes? In Wal-Mart? 

**Mike: Like, dude, I dunno **

Bella: HIPPY HIPPOS!!!

_Alice: And that was yet another random outburst from the well-known Bella Swan_

Bella: Olives are like eggs with eyeballs

Edward: What a wonderful observation, Bella –learning to handle Bella's randomness after finding out that it was not due to overuse of caffeine- 

Bella: Fred

&

"Eddie," said Bella, "GRRR!!! EEK!!! GAHBALEECOOKIE!!"

"Umm... Bella, are you alright?" asked Edward, scared for her health.

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! How could I be okay?" Bella sobbed, "Cotton candy... it looks so good, but it tastes like... like shit! How could something so beautiful taste like it came out of a cow's bottom?!"

"NOOOOOOO!!!" screamed the Vile Mike Newton, "You must not insult the cotton candy."

"Lollipop. That's a funny word. Lollipop," Bella giggled.

And then a watermelon exploded, sending shards of pomegranate to fly all over the place, causing a flamingo to land on the Eiffel Tower only to be squashed by a monkey-eating airplane. Then, Bella had to go trip over the whole thing to land on a space shuttle headed for Mars, but then fall off and land in Edward's arms, fall asleep, and start singing the Barbie song like she's on drugs. This caused Edward to be very frightened, and brought her to Carlisle the doctor. Carlisle was not home, though, so Bella started shrieking the words 'Mr. Hammer Ate Mr. Bigfoot' over and over until poor Edward's ears hurt. Bella fell silent after that, and Jacob appeared out of nowhere, thinking that Bella was having a seizure, and performed CPR on her, and then walked away licking an orange popsicle. Yep. Just another day in the life of Isabella Marie Swan Soon-To-Be-Cullen.


	5. Watermelons and Random Outbursts

CHAPTER FIVE

**CHAPTER FIVE**

_?!The Cullens' Place!?  
_

Bella: Edward...

_Alice: Bella! What ARE you wearing?! Have I taught you nothing?! –Sobs as she sees what Bella is wearing which happens to be a plain white t-shirt and yet plainer jeans-_

_Emmett: Quit scaring my future sister-in-law Shrimp_

_Alice: But... please!! The pain! The horror!! How can you live, dressed like that?! –Breaks down again-_

Bella: dum dum dee dum!

_**Jacob: You know, this is getting sort of old**_

**Mike: BELLA!!**

Bella: NOT INTERESTED!!

_Alice: Oh!! Rejected! Heard that, Newton?! You just got REJECTED!! Again. –that weird snapping thing-_

Edward: -sigh-

_Alice: Jazzy!_

**Jasper: -sigh- Yes, honey?**

_Alice: Can you take me shopping today?_

**Jasper: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!**

Bella (in unison): NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

_Emmett: Stop being mean to my bug-sized sister! Only I'm allowed to do that! –gets hit in the head by Alice's purse-_

Bella: I like mushrooms

_**Jacob: I fully don't get this, man**_

Bella: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! I just saw a man propose to a chunk of cheese!! I believe it was Gorgonzola...

Edward: Love, are you SURE that you're alright?

Bella: Pfft. Yeah, chuh-duh, Eddie. –head blows up-

**Mike: Hey! I just thought of something!!**

_Emmett: Trying to invent a new level of stupidity?_

Bella: -reattaches head-

_Alice: Watermelon! Random pregnant lady! Mustard!_

Bella: RANDOM OUTBURST!! GAH!! GEE!! GRR!! –eye twitch **(author's note: think of an 'eye twitch' as oO)**

Edward: umm...

**Mike: Gummy worms are squishy!!**

Bella: Gosp!! The vile Mike Newton has just stolen my make-random-outbursts thingy!! Great. Let's all go eat cotton candy and then chew gum as we drink lemonade!!

_**Jacob: Hey, Bells, you wanna come down to the reservation today?**_

Bella: Ooh! Will we blow up crabs?! Because I am totally against crab blowing-ups; or are we staring at lumpy things like frogs?!

**Jasper: Bella is experiencing extreme confusion as well as utter happiness and is currently very hyper due to of influence from my one true love, Alice. So I am sad (well, not really) to tell you, Eddie— -gets all interrupted-**

Edward: MY NAME IS FRIGGIN' HELL EDWARD!!

**Jasper: Sheesh man, no need to go nuts about it. Anyway, I am kind of sort of but not really sad to report that taking away her sources of coffee will not take away this thing which we call insanity. –eye twitch at smart sounding-ness- See, dude, blondes can be smart**

-Lauren Mallory, who I believe is a blond, comes over and trips on her face-

**PAUSE!! I, the author of this story, Random Notes with the Cullens! MoonsilverTwilight, have nothing against blonds, in any shape or form. Wow, I sound all smarticlicious, and junk. Whatever; ANYWAY!! Back to my story, please**

**Jasper: Dude, I was trying to prove a point**

-Lauren Mallory, who I, the author, hate almost as much as Jacob Black, because she always does/says something stupid, runs away screaming to one of her stupid friends that Jasper Hale talked to her, which is a miracle and junk even though it so fully isn't and then splits her head open trying to use telepathic powers to cut open a watermelon-

_Alice: FRIGGIN' HELL GOD HE'S MARRIED!! TO ME!! GET AWAY YOU EVIL BLONDE WOMAN!! GRR!! –gets all protective and jumps on Jasper's back and starts singing some random country song that no one's ever heard of-_

**Mike: Wow –stares in awe at some random thing in the horizon then gets blinded by extremely bright sunlight because one, he's stupid, and two, sunlight is always insanely bright and if you ever stare into it, like, directly, it'll fully make you go like, almost blind or something-**

_Alice: FROMAGE!!_

TRANSLATION!! CHEESE!! Lmfao...

Bella: DUN DUN DUN!!

_Alice: Put your right foot in! Put your right foot out! Put your right foot in and you eat some monkeys!!_

**Mike: LET'S DECLARE WAR ON PLUTO!!**

Bella: Great idea, Mike!! How 'bout... no

_Emmett: diss_

Bella: Jingle bells. Bat man smells. Robin laid an egg

_Alice: The Batmobile lost a wheel and Joker got away_

Edward: Must you write down the lyrics to a rather childish, not to mention pathetic attempt to make the Christmas classic Jingle Bells... how should I describe it... EVEN MORE ANNOYING??

Bella: But... oranges are not green!!

_Alice: Duh! They're purple. Everyone knows that!_

**Mike: Womps**

_Emmett: WOO-HOOH!! EVERYBODY DO THE WAVE!! WOO-OOO-OOOOO!!_

Bella: dude. NOT cool

_Alice: I believe I can fly_

Bella: I got shot by the FBI

_Alice: All I wanted was a chicken wing_

Bella: From McDonald's or a Burger King

Edward: -sigh-

_Emmetts: Let's go dump frog urine into spaghetti sauce_

Bella: do frogs even pee?

_Alice: Whoa..._

**Jasper: Edward... I think our wives/fiancées have permanently lost their brains**

Bella: Oh no, Jazzy. We have not just lost our brains. We never had any

_Alice: Yes, see? –knocks on head and makes weird hollow sound—_

**Mike: dude, that is just creepy**

Bella: We didn't ask you, vile Mike Newton!!

**Mike: —cowers in fear—**

Bella: Pop goes the weasel!!

"Hey! I was still writing on that!" yelled Bella.

"I'm afraid that, for the sake of your own health, this piece of paper must go," Edward said, ripping it up into pieces, while having to use vast amounts of self control as to not do so at vampire speed due to Mike Newton's presence.

"Oh well. Dum, dum, dum, "said Bella, walking away only to get eaten by a crocodile.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Edward cried.

"BELLA!!" screamed Jacob.

"Dudes and dudettes, have no fear, for Bella is here!! Man that sounds cheesy. And by the way, Jacob, did you know that you scream like a girl?"

"I do NOT!" protested Jacob, shaking his head in fury.

"Maybe we should eat watermelon," concluded Alice.


	6. Hula Hoops 'N' Monkeys!

**HULA HOOPS 'N' MONKEYS**

_?!Gym Class!?_

_Alice: Bella?_

Bella: Yep?

_Alice: You wanna go shopping with me today? Huh? Huh? Please say yes, Bella, oh please, please say yes! –eyes get all huge-_

Edward: Alice, I don't think Bella would appreciate being dragged into an—

Bella: NOOOOOOOO!! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOO!! Ooh! Unless it's for hula hoops 'n' dancing monkeys.

_Alice: You know how to use a hula hoop?_

Bella: Doi, Bob. Who doesn't? It's whether or not you CAN use it that's the question. And as for the answer, no, I cannot.

_Alice: Fine. Jazzy!!_

**Jasper: -exasperated sigh which is very similar to Edward's when Bella wants to do something stupid- Yes, Alice?**

_Alice: Jazzy, I want to take Bella shopping for some NECESSITIES which do not include hula hoops or monkeys, due to the fact that she would probably die upon being given a hula hoop... Ooh! I sound intelligent!!_

Bella: Watermelon squishy!!

Edward: Bella, you need a doctor

**Mike: I'd agree but I'm too stupid. Harp, har, har. Hah, like, not even**

_Alice: Aww. Little vile Mikey Newton-y learned how to use sarcasm! How cute! Like, no. Ew... Back off Blondie-boy_

Bella: Eddiekinz, I feel ignored

Edward: Is the name 'Eddie' not enough for you people?! You have to add a 'kinz' to it too?! –fumes angrily and stomps away to his room somehow despite the fact that they are in gym class and turns on sophisticated music from stereo that no one gets and Bella would probably break upon pushing numerous funny-looking buttons-

**Mike: -gets hit in the head by a basketball, then goes all unconscious and stupid-looking, and gets rushed off to the emergency room where they stick a whole bunch of weird tubes in him that are all shiny and junk-**

-x-Author's Note-x- I have never done anything stupid like fall off a wall or something... well, actually, I've done a lot of stupid things but I've never actually ended up in the hospital, so I have like, no idea what it's like, with the whole ER thing, so like, sue me, junk, what the hell. End of author's note.-x-

_Alice: I don't get it_

_Emmett: Neither do I, little sis, neither do I_

**Mike: AAAAAAAAAAAH!! (Having regained consciousness but still looks rather stupid because he is the vile Mike Newton, duh. Oh, and he was running from Emmett, lmfao) **

Bella: Dancing... hippos... emo... chicken... –eye twitches like they do in those anime things, which, from now will be known as an eye twitch-

**Mike: -regurgitates-**

Edward: -stomps back...-

Bella: Pop goes the weasel!!

_Alice: Oh yeah?! Well shop goes the Alice and Bella's coming too_

Bella: NOOOOOOOO!!

**Mike: Ch'yeah man. Hotdog on a stick... like, total grasshopper**

Bella: I like broccoli

_Alice: Oh yeah?! –giggles- Well Mike Newton is as ugly as a deformed peanut!!_

Bella: how can you even tell if a peanut is deformed? I mean, they're all ugly

_Alice: Good point_

**Mike: Don't I feel loved**

_**Jacob: You people are just weird**_

_Alice: How many times have you guys said that? Purple... Ooh! Shoes!_

**Jasper: Alice, darling—**

_Alice: You're breaking up with me aren't you?! After all those years together, you're dumping me?! –sobs-_

**Jasper: -sighs- No, Alice, I am NOT breaking up with you**

_Alice: Yay! Okay, then, baby. Do me a favor, and stop interrupting our conversation which, at the moment, does not make any sense_

Bella: DENTAL FLOSS!! Don't you just love jelly?! It's so... jelly!!

**Mike: I miss my mommy...**

Edward: Newton, please do us all a favor and shut up

**Jasper: Amen**

Bella: Gar fuggly chicken moogly pie oh donkey shit foofy wonk woo hoo!

_Alice: Yeah! AIR GUITAR_

Bella: dum dee doo da dum!

_Alice:__ Rudolph the green nose batman! Had a very shiny butt!_

Edward: That's... not really nice

Bella: FUCK OFF YOU BEE!! I feel so much better now

Edward: Huh?

_Alice: Exasperated communication of the monuments of Emu Town_

Bella: WOO HOO!! WOO HOOOOOOOOOO!! Sponge Bob Square Pants, Sponge Bob Square Pants, Sponge Bob Square PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS!! Doo duh dee doo duh doo dee doo

**Mike: -eats lime like thing then realizes it's a poisonous frog faints—**

-Chirp chirp-

_Emmett: Well this is rather awkward_

_Alice: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! WOO WOO!!_

Bella: Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, choo, choo!

Edward: Must you continue to make rather annoying sounds then proceed to write them on paper, meanwhile wasting our few natural resources left on the planet Earth?

_**Jacob: I'm tired. –falls asleep—**_

Bella: -trips on face- I'm not a fungi! I am green mushroom!

_Alice: IT'S THE LOCH NESS MONSTER EVERYBODY RUN AND HIDE!!_

**Mike: --screech—**

Bella: And that, ladies and gentleman, was the Forkian Scaredy Cat, also known as the Blonde Headed Dope head Banshee

Edward: This is getting stupid. –leaves-

_Alice: I thought he said that like, hours ago_

**Mike: -gets hit in the face with a football- Why me, yet again? –faints again-**

Bella: NOOO!! Edward, come back! –trips on Mike's unconscious body- Oomph. Uh... awkward. Any who, EDWARD COME BACK TO ME BABY!!

* * *

Sobbing, Bella decided to get an ice cream to ease her sorrow, even though she forgot what it was. She also decided to go to Hawaii where pineapples roam. Giggling, she realized that she was still in gym class, and a tennis ball hit her in the face. That's when she noticed that Edward was heading towards the door, and ran away into the North Atlantic ocean.

Edward turned around to try to find Bella when he realized that she was being devoured alive by a monkey. He sighed, in as many times in the past couple of days. Only Bella could get herself into a situation like this.

"I'll always love you Edward!" Bella said, as the monkey chewed on a banana. Then, she fell asleep and fell out of a tree, and suddenly woke up because she remembered that she was somehow in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and on a very tall tree branch at the exact same time. Shrugging, she fell back asleep, and began to snore very loudly.

"Rock a bye orange," she said, well, more like sleep talked. Edward was confused, but decided to ignore his bewilderment.

"OH MY GOD!!" Bella screamed, and Edward almost dropped her, before seeing the huge bulldog poster the size of a pinkie on the wall. How there was a wall on a tree in the middle of the Atlantic ocean, he didn't know, but decided not to ask.

"Wow," said Alice, as the toad jumped into a toilet.

**Author's Note: This has probably been one of the longest Random Notes With The Cullens! chapters to date. Possibly also one of the stupidest, but whatever. Hope you enjoyed**


	7. Imploding Bowling Balls

IMPLODING BOWLING BALLS

**IMPLODING BOWLING BALLS!!**

_?! In Secret Non-Tell able Location... a.k.a. a Tree House!?_

Bella: Boom goes the too dull wonky ma boo bomb!!

_Alice: Wooshy..._

_**Jacob: Well...**__** Err... I think I should leave if I want to you know, prevent further brain damage to myself –gets up to go-**_

Bella: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! –grabs Jacob's shirt, and starts staring at the ceiling while humming 'the wheels on the bus go round and round'

Edward: Why is that dog even here?

Bella: EDDIE WEDDIE BO BLORGIE WONKA BEANS NERD CORN STALK COO-COO, COO-COO!!

_Alice: awesome, dudette!_

Edward: -sigh yet again-

**Mike: BOOBY TRAPS!!**

Bella: Did he just say booby? –giggles-

_Alice: Yes... he just said booby... –giggles along with Bella-_

Edward: -slaps self in the forehead-

Bella: Aww... Eddiekinz, don't turn all emo on me now!

_Alice: Yeah! 1... 2... 3... get ready for it... IMPLODING BOWLING BALLS!!_

Bella: Har, har, har. Well that sounded rather hillbilly like

_Emmett: -hits head on ceiling of tree house due to tallness- Ow... ugh, how come the dog didn't hit his friggin' head on the ceiling of this stupid tree house?? Oh, and anyway... WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!_

Bella: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH et cetera.

_Alice: PINK CACTI WITH EARS AND MOOSTACHES!!_

**Jasper: Uh... moo-staches, Alice, darling?**

_Alice: Yep! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO staches!!_

Edward: Can't you control your wife, Jazz?

**Jasper: I don't see you doing much about yours**

Bella: Hey!

Edward: Sorry

_Alice: Buh dopey dumplings!!_

**Mike: Moronic cow pies!!**

Bella: -attempts to punch Mike for calling cow pies stupid then crashes into a wall and knocks down one side of it.-

-WOOSH- A side of the wall hits the ground as everyone crowds the window to see what happened

Bella: OW!! –rubs arm where it made contact with the wooden wall-

Edward: Bella, are you alright?

Bella: Doopey woopey loopy!! He he...

_**Jacob: o.O**_

_Alice: Must... buy... shoes!! –evil laugh-_

**Jasper: This is never going to end, is it?**

Edward: I doubt it, dear brother

Bella: Squeeb!! Oh Em Gee!!

_Emmett: -accidentally squashes Mike by sitting on him- Oops... heh... heh..._

**Mike: Thanks man... –sarcastic-**

Bella: Yay!! It's mi-cake!!

Edward: Care to explain, love??  


Bella: it's a pancake... and it's a Mike... a mi-cake!!

_Alice: yay!!__ Purple donkey washing machines!!_

Bella: Hurrah!!

**Mike: So...**

Bella: -sobs- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

_Alice: now you're Mr. Wonky!!_

**Jasper: Alice, dear...**

_Emmett: FRUTOPIA RULEZ MAN!!_

Bella: A do... da do doo da doo da do doey doong darng!!

**Mike: herbs**

Bella: -trips over face-

_Emme__tt: Karaoke!! Like, Oh Em Gee!!_

_**Jacob: Bella?**_

Bella: Yeppity yoopers?!

_**Jacob: Guh... never mind**_

**Mike: :) I have a chin!!**

_Alice: Good job, Vile Mike Newton... now go piss off_

**Jasper: Anyone else beginning to notice that this tree house is getting rather crowded?  
**

Bella: Hey Edward! Guess what?! I can do a porcupine dance!! –falls on butt then gets up and cries- Ta da!!

_**Jacob: Uh...**_

_Alice: Oh. Em. Gee. IT'S AN EMU! HAHAHAHAHA_

**Mike: SHIT I'M ALLERGIC TO EMUS!!**

_Alice: YAY!!_

**Mike: -face explodes-**

Bella: BOOM!! Ka-ching! We should do that more often

-Five hours later at the hospital-

"Mommy?" Mike asked. His face was now rather butt like due to the fact that it exploded and then some banana plastic surgeons had to stick it together using dandelion juice.

"Yes, Mikey?" Mrs. Newton said.

"I... I," he stuttered, then started crying. Then a watermelon landed on his head, followed by a piano, then a house. The next thing you knew... Mike Newton was as flat as a Mickey Mouse cartoon.

"MIKEY!!" Mrs. Newton shouted, in shock to her butt-faced son squashed underneath a watermelon, a piano, and then a house.

"Monsieur?" asked a huge chicken.

"What?!" Mrs. Newton shouted.

"Mummy?" Mike asked weakly, "I—"

Then the giant chicken exploded and Mike and his mom got arrested for murder of the last existing specimen of the French-Speaking Giant Chicken of Atlantis.


	8. Monsieur MonkeyMan w the LuckyCharms hat

**MONSIEUR MONKEY MAN WITH THE LUCKY CHARMS HAT**

_?!__Under A Palm Tree!?_

Bella: EWWW!!!

_Alice: WHAT?!?! WHAT?!?!?_

Bella: It's a big ole butt!!

Edward: Umm... Bella, honey, that's a peach

**Mike: --gets thunked in the head with a coconut— Why me, god?! WHY?!?!?!**

Bella: Because he felt like it

_Alice: Why?_

Bella: Because brain damage isn't a spaghetti pie you know!!

_**Jacob: Taking drugs is not safe, boys and girls!!**_

_Alice: __EW... it's Monsieur Monkey Man with the Lucky Charms hat!!_

Bella: Oh yeah?! Bet I could blow up my toe faster than you!!

Edward: Oh dear... this could not have good results

_Alice: -giggles- He said 'o dear'_

Bella: Stop making fun of my husband Alice! –Slap- Ow!! Eddie, kiss it, make my boo boo better!!

Edward: -confused-

Bella: Guess what?! I'm a feathery cow now!! DOINK!!

_**Jacob: I dislike school dances**_

_Emmett: Blow, blow, blow, pop, pop! Goes the dang muffin truck_

**Mike: AHHH!! It's a man!! Wait, shampoo is not to be drank as coffee cake!! Wow, Mommy, I'm smart**

_**Jacob: Dude, you know your mama ain't here, right?**_

Bella: He said 'ain't'!

_Alice: WHOA!! I just had a vision that a cantaloupe would fall out of the sky and hit the vile Mike Newton in the head!!  
_

**Mike: -cantaloupe falls out of the sky and hits him in the head- Ow. Oh well**

Bella: Let's all ride tricycles!! YEAH!! ATTACK OF THE MINI CHEESE BALLS!

Edward: What is happening to my poor Bella?!

Bella: Did Eddie just call me poor?! As in, ugly and poor?! OH SOB!!

_Alice: Jazzy let's go make a baby!!_

**Jasper: Um... Alice, you know you can't have babies, right?**

_Alice: WHAT?! Since when?!_

Bella: Since about 1918, actually

_Alice: Oh FADOOBERS!! SOBS!!_

Bella: Cool! Now we're like the sobbing duo!!!

**Mike: -cries- Does that mean it's a trio now?**

Bella: No!! Now go away, vile Mike Newton!

_Alice: Did you just use my hairdryer on a cactus Mr. Moingkablooper?!_

_**Jacob: Oh geez. Once the pixie starts, she'll never stop**_

_Emmett: It's the never ending cycle of doom also known as a dishwasher_

Edward: Um, okay then. Bella, would you like to go out to dinner tonight

_**Jacob: Dude, you don't even eat! What the hell would you do at a dinner?**_

**Mike: Whoa!! Cullen's anorexic now?!**

Edward: Never mind

Bella: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen, are you bailing out on me, now?! –sheds a tear-

_Alice: Dudette! You just ruined the eye liner!!  
_

Bella: Ally, how can you worry about the eye liner when the love of my life is about to leave me for some balloon tissue?

Edward: Bella, I am not about to leave you for a balloon tissue

Bella: Yes you are! And it's SOME balloon tissue by the way. Also, you're not the love of my life. Mr. Banner's left sock is. You're the love my existence. So there

_Alice: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Ooh, that sounded so VERRRRRRRRRRRY EVIIIIIIIIIIIIIL!!_

Bella: Cool! So now penguins dominate over the battle ship Version 2.0?

_Alice: I guess so. Anyway, does that butt look strange to you??  
_

Edward: I believe we have already covered the fact that it's a peach

**Mike: So now there's a candle inside of the monsters of ETRIEHOINDAL land**

Bella: Blurb ever, vile Mike Newton. You know, that's sort of getting old. As of now, he will be... Super Cage of Poop Saliva!!

_Alice: EWWW!!_

Bella: That's kinda the point

_Alice: Oh, okay then_

_Emmett: _Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo!!

_Alice: okay, so then there was a cheese string that really loved papayas. It ate so many papayas; it turned into an Emmett Cullen_

_Emmett: WHOA!! Like, super millionaire on the way, Motorcycle!!_

Bella: DUN NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH BATMAN!!

_**Jacob: I should go now**_

Bella: No!!!!!!!! Don't leave me, Jake!!!! **:'(**

_Alice: And then the pot of toilet feasts bungee jumped off Mount Everest and swallowed toxic poison gases_

"There!" Bella said, kissing the garbage can, before whacking it fourteen times with her left nostril and proceeded to make a parachute for it. "GONE WITH THE WIND!!" she yelled happily.

Alice then came and ruined the moment by bringing out a Barney doll, when everyone knew that Super Cage of Poop Saliva had an irrational fear of Barney, the big purple dinosaur. He then ran screaming into the palm tree, and got hit in the head by two hundred and forty six point three four coconuts all at once, while drinking white glue. It was then a very awkward moment because four vixens appeared out of nowhere and then their tails fell off to reveal a horse's butt.

"I love you, Mrs. Boo Blinked," said Bella sleepily, and drifted off to a restless sleep where she dreamed of telephones and china earrings ganging up together to attack the post office.


	9. Baboons Have Two Buttcheeks

**Baboons Have Two Butt Cheeks**

_?! Inside a Hot Air Balloon !?_

Bella: Okay, so there was this, like, melon? Then it like, exploded into a T. Rex cake! I was like 'holy pepperoni!' And then there TWO raccoons, so I fed them some fire crackers

Edward: Bella, you DO know that fire crackers aren't actually crackers, right?

Bella: Oh. I guess that's why they blew up then. Heh. Heh. Oops.

_Alice__: Doo doo doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo_

_Emmett: __I wonder what shit tastes like..._

Edward: Emmett, be my guest to try it

*CRASH!!*

**Jasper: Uh... what just happened??**

Edward: I think Mike Newton just fell out of the balloon...

**Jasper: Wait, aren't we like... thousands of feet off the ground? OH!! Shit...**

**Mike: I'm okay! Uh... well sort of. Except for my broken butt bone!!**

Bella: hehe, he said butt bone!! *giggles*

_Emmett__: Umm... we have a small problem_

Edward: And what exactly is that problem??

_Emmett: --Well, see..._

Bella: HOLY SHIT MY BUTT IS GONE!!

_Alice: Really? Are you sure?_

Bella: YES I am sure!!

_Alice: Maybe we can stick it back on with hot glue..._

Edward: And just where are you going to find hot glue in a hot air balloon? And besides, I WILL NOT LET YOU GLUE BELLA'S BUTT BACK ON WITH HOT GLUE!!

Bella: lol, the word butt is just so much funnier when he says it!!

**Mike: Uh... guys, I'm still... you know, injured?**

_Alice: I know! We can go shopping for some shit to stick in FlooperDonk's face!!_

Bella: Who the ef is FlooberDonk?

_Alice: I forgot. BUT DON'T YOU JUST LOVE PURPLE?!?!?!_

**Jasper: Guys, you do realize that Bella's butt is still... uh... not exactly in one piece don't you?**

_Alice: Of course it isn't in one piece, Jazzy. Everyone knows that humans have two butt cheeks!_

Bella: So do baboons! I think...

_Emmett: LALALALALA!! *please don't suspect I did something, please don't suspect I did something*_

Edward: Emmett, one, I can read your mind. Two, do you really think that it was that smart to write down that? Where I will obviously find out that you DID do something?

_Emmett: Uh... well... BOOGER TREE!!_

Edward: Your random outbursts are giving me a headache, Em. I'd appreciate it if you were to... oh, I don't know... SHUT UP?!?!?

Bella: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!! Eddie said a BAAAAAAAAAAD word!! Lmfao, I've always wanted to say that

_Alice: Well then why didn't you?_

Bella: 'Cuz the unicorn caterpillar had a gummy bear lasso, of course!! Gees, Alice!

_Alice: *curls up in a corner and gets sad*_

_**Jacob: Hello, all!!**_

Bella: WTF, Jake?! You sound like King Arthur!!

_Alice: I thought Arthur was an armadillo!_

Bella: Isn't he like, an aardvark or something?

**Mike: What the hell's an aardvark?!**

Bella: Damn! And I thought he died. I just don't have any good luck whatsoever, do I? Besides meeting Edward, that is

*Bella and Edward make out for like half an hour*

Bella: lack... of... oxygen!! *faints*

_Alice: Holy gingerbread cows!! Eddie, you just made your wife faint!!_

Edward: Bella?! BELLA!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Bella: Eddie! Your O's aren't round!!

Edward: Phew... I thought you were hurt or something, Bella! Never scare me like that again!

Bella: What are you, my dad?! Whoa... that would be weird. But you're Renesmee's dad!! Whoa... so, you're like, my dad, and like, our child's father?! Now I'm confused!!

Edward: NO I am not your father, Bella! That's Charlie!

Bella: Really, I thought that was a cactus :/

Edward: *slaps self*

_Alice: DANG IT EDDIE!! I thought I told you to stop being emo!!_

**Mike: I'm bored**

Bella: Shut up, FooberDonk.

_Alice: Ahem, it's FlooberDonk._

Bella: I wonder what pickled mustard tastes like

Edward: *frowns in disgust*

Bella: *licks lollipop*

_Alice: WAH!! Australian unicorns have attacked the highlighter city of Mongoshkinz!!_

**Mike: Wops**

Bella: THERE WAS A FARMER HAD A DOG AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O!! B-I-N-G-O!! B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G—

"NOOOOOOOO!!! WE HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED!!" yelled Bella suddenly.

Mike, who had been observing a large bird like thing at the time, jumped and fell out of the hot air balloon. This, of course, pissed him off quite a bit since he had only gotten back up a few minutes ago. Being the caring person that she was, Bella through a large plastic bag to him, thinking it would make a good parachute. However, as soon as Mike hit the ground, his nose turned into a carrot and started turning oddly prune like.

Emmett then started using Alice's head as a drum, and started a conga line. Of course, forgetting that they were thousands of feet above the ground, he stepped right out of the hot air balloon, and was followed by everyone else except for Edward, who was still sighing and asking himself how he could be related to such idiots.

Later that day, Forks Hospital was visited by four vampires, a rather grotesque-looking Mike, and a very confused Bella who had spent the better part of the afternoon wondering why coke makes mentos explode.


End file.
